Going the Extra Mile

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CP Mother of the Year

(Remembering Mary Ellen Townsend Harris, 1911-2016)

Mary and Hugh were challenged to go the extra mile when they got involved with a CP Parents group.  Here were people who wanted to create a center to provide schooling and physical therapy for their children.  They were actively exploring methods to fund their dreams.

The group provided good networking for Mary.  She thrived on their bi-monthly meetings that provided bonding around common experiences, ideas, frustrations and triumphs.  She got involved with the funding discussion.  Television was a new and powerful communication instrument.  The group decided to approach WLW-TV about doing a telethon to get visibility for their efforts.

They launched a contest to name one of their members “CP Mother of the Year,” and have this person presented during the telethon, which would be held at a prominent hotel. Over a period of time community business leaders submitted letters nominating someone for this honor.  Mary was overwhelmed when she received the most letters and was selected.  The night of the telethon her children were thrilled to see their mom on television.

From there on fund-raising efforts proved effective.  The group hired a professional fund-raiser to direct the program and soon they were able to move forward with the center.  That’s when Mary suddenly hit a brick wall.  When the center was ready to open she found out Paul wasn’t qualified to participate.  Several other children with similar levels of need were also rejected.  She learned that group leaders had set minimum standards for participation that said only children who could feed themselves and were toilet trained could qualify.

Mary was crushed and angered.  “I can’t believe this, can you?” she said over the phone to another parent whose child was rejected.  “Why did we all work so hard if this isn’t going to serve the children who need it most?”

She took her feelings to God in prayer.   Lord, I don’t understand this.  We found this group, believed in their cause, helped them raise money to create this facility…and now we’re blocked!  Why?  What did we do wrong?  Show us the way.

In response, she heard an inner voice saying, Wait!  Keep the faith!  Look deeper!

Mary found herself going the “extra mile” again.  She called the other parents of rejected children.  “Maybe this just wasn’t the right approach,” she found herself saying.  “Maybe we need to do something else.  Can you come to our house Saturday afternoon?  We’ll have sandwiches and talk this over.”

On Saturday five children and their parents showed up.  This was a different “coming together” than they had experienced with the other group.  They were all active caregivers who loved their kids and wanted to advocate for them.  They began to meet each week and dubbed themselves the CP Support Group.

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The impact on the children was noticeable.  Being a child with Cerebral Palsy was isolating.  People around them didn’t understand their condition or their needs.  The support group had the effect of normalizing their lives.  Now they could simply “be kids”–laughing and playing together in the safety this group provided.  Mary and Hugh were thrilled.

“Sometimes God has different ideas that we can’t see right away,” Mary said one day.  “We had to run into a brick wall in order to see past the boundaries we had helped set up.”  The support group began to feel energized and soon became visible, and people wanted to help.  One of those  was Paul’s Sunday school teacher.  She and Mary had become friends, and one day she said, “You know, I’d love to come over when your group meets and read some stories to the children.  It might help stimulate them to learn words.  Do you think that would be all right?”

Mary and the group welcomed her.  Soon she was innovating ways to teach these special needs children to speak.  She would put a word she wanted them to learn on a red ribbon that she pinned to their shirt or dress.  The kids squealed with delight and tried to form the words.  They began to have contests to see which child could get the most words on their ribbon.  This became such a stimulus that the group grew from six to twelve children.

About that time Clifton Methodist Church received a new pastor, Reverend Warren Bright. Mary invited him to her house for one of the support group’s meetings.  He was impressed with what they were doing, but noticed how crowded they were.  He made a suggestion.

“Have you ever considered meeting at the church?  We have a large social hall, a kitchen and bathrooms–anything you might need.  You would have so much more room.  I do hope you’ll consider this.”

It didn’t take them long to say “yes.”  The group became known as the Clifton “CP School.”  A woman named Mildred Martin emerged as a key leader who would keep the group functioning for many  years.

Mary and Hugh continued their trips with Paul to visit Dr. Phelps during all of this.  They were still thinking about moving to the Shenandoah Valley some day so they could be closer to Maryland.  Mary also remembered how the beauty of the area had attracted her.  They put their house on the market, but after a while took it back off due to lack of interest.

Hugh had been selling women’s hats, and had done well with it, but it took him out of town a lot.  Then he had the chance to open a business of his own.  He had become interested in woodworking and cabinetry.  A space suitable for a shop opened up on Vine Street, next door to a moving company.  It was an ideal location.  A major part of his work became refinishing furniture damaged in transit.  Applying his woodworking skills to the house, he decided to remodel the kitchen.  About this same time they put the house back on the market, still thinking about Virginia.  He was only halfway finished with the remodeling when the house sold.

Suddenly their world was turning upside down again.  The dream of living in the Shenandoah Valley was now a possibility.  Hugh drove to Harrisonburg where they had stayed at the Pure Village Court, and looked for a house.  He had limited funds and the realtor showed him several places, but nothing seemed right.  Then he was shown an old tenant farm house in the village of Keezletown.  It had once been part of the estate of Senator George Keezle.

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The property covered three-and-a-half acres that included an apple orchard…and a magnificent view of the Massanutten Mountain and the valley that spread out from it.  The house needed a lot of work, but the price was right.  He went home and described it to Mary.

“I bought the most magnificent view you’ll find anywhere in the Shenandoah Valley.  You can sit in the front yard and look out across miles of farmland.  She was fascinated with his description, and intrigued by the apple orchard.  Then she choked back some misgivings when he told her more about the condition of the house.

“It has a cistern for water located right outside the back door.”

Mary pictured the well outside the kitchen of the hold house on the dairy farm where She wasn’t sure how she felt about the cistern.  Then he told her the biggest drawback.  “It doesn’t have a bathroom, and it has no closets.”

“Hubert Harris, if you think I’m going to live in a house without a bathroom or closets, you are mistaken!”

He tried to console her.  “You won’t have to live in it like that, honey.  I’m going back for a few weeks and I’ll fix it up.  The soil perks, so I can put in a septic tank and build a bathroom…and I can build closets.  I’ll also turn the old back porch into an enclosed utility room.”

She thought about the view and her desire to live in the Valley.  This was the biggest “extra mile” she’d encountered yet.  After prayer and more discussion, she saw God’s hand in it. It was 1951 and they had lived in the house of her dreams on Howell Avenue for six years. She reckoned it was time to trade dreams and entrusted that to God.

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The dairyman’s daughter was about to move back to the country…not to a farm, but close. It felt good!

(Excerpt from “Dairyman’s Daughter” by Hugh Townsend Harris, based on “Remembering!” by Mary Ellen Townsend Harris)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The War Years

Hughs Wordquilts

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(Remembering Mary Ellen Townsend Harris, 1911-2016)

Wartime hit like the explosion of an artillery shell in the backyard of everyday American life.  Pearl Harbor’s “Day of Infamy” rained enormous consequences that touched every aspect of life.  No one was spared its impact!

In Mary’s family it touched two of her brothers directly when they were drafted into military service.  Both served in the U.S. Army–John in North Africa, and Bud as an officer at the Pentagon.  When Bud was drafted he qualified for Officers Candidate School. Upon completion of his training, as a second lieutenant, he was headed for the Pacific Theater.  Just before boarding a troop ship he received a change of orders sending him to the Pentagon where he spent the war writing training manuals.

Hugh’s older brother, Floyd, served on the Atlantic Ocean as part of the Merchant Marine throughout the war.  Hugh was not drafted.  The…

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Never a Dull Day!

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House on Berwyn Place, Downstairs Apartment

(Remembering Mary Ellen Townsend Harris, 1911-2016)

The charm of Mary and Hugh’s Walnut Hills “castle” crumbled within a few weeks.

It happened on a Saturday when Mary was dusting furniture in the living room.  From the corner of her eye she caught a sudden blur of movement on the floor.  She stopped, stood still, then ventured a glance over her shoulder.

Nothing!

She waited a minute, then shrugged and resumed her dusting.  Must have been my imagination.  Again she caught a sense of movement on the floor.  She turned quickly, then screamed.

“Eeeek!  Hubert…there’s a creature in here.  Help!”

Hugh had been drying breakfast dishes in the kitchen and came quickly.  “What is it, Mary?”

“There!”  She pointed in the direction of the wall and suddenly another little black figure darted, then stopped with its long feelers exploring its surroundings.  Hugh grabbed a section of newspaper, rolled it, swatted the insect before it could run again, and disposed of the corpse in the trash can.

“It’s okay, honey.  It’s just a roach.”

“A roach?  That’s awful!  Where did it come from?  How many more are there?”  She shivered as she spoke.

“I don’t know,” Hugh said, comforting her with a hug.  He started searching the baseboard and found some more.  A little investigation revealed the source of the roaches.  There was a laundry right behind the apartment.  It had a wooden floor that stayed damp most of the time.  That’s where they were coming from.

They lost no time finding another apartment, unaware that they were starting what would become a two-year period of apartment jumping.

Without leaving Walnut Hills they found an efficiency apartment–one room with a sofa that opened into twin beds.  Behind two doors they discovered a kitchen complete with a small sink, two-burner hot plate, small refrigerator and two shelves.  There was a nice bathroom, and the price was right, so they took it.  Since it was summer they left the windows open during the night to gain some breeze.  They’d hardly gotten to sleep when some nearby neighbors got into a heated argument.  Since they were still in honeymoon mode, this became an intolerable intrusion.

Moving again, they found a furnished apartment with an in-a-door bed they could roll out of a closet each night.  A small kitchen featured a full-size stove and refrigerator, and there was a nice bathroom.  A large house next door had a fenced yard where two Irish Setters with red satin coats lived.  Mary enjoyed them greeting her each evening as she came in from work.  All was well until night when they discovered the man upstairs beat his wife several times a week.  They stayed until they couldn’t endure this any longer, then went apartment hunting again.

“Honey, why don’t we look over in Norwood where you grew up?”

Hugh agreed and the soon found a second-floor apartment on Madison Street.  It had a private entrance, living room, dining room, kitchen, bedroom and bath.  This place felt good.  They settled in.

It wasn’t long until Mary visited a doctor and learned that she was going to have a baby.   She shared the news with Hugh that night and they reflected on their situation.

“I’m so glad we have this place,” she said.  “It’s going to be just right for starting our family.”  They had a romantic dinner and then sat holding each other while he sang songs to her softly.  Things were looking up.

Hugh had a new job that required travel, selling machinery related to manufacturing bottle caps.  The drawback was that it required out-of-town travel, so she was alone many nights.  The landlord couple downstairs had a twelve-year-old daughter who would come up and keep her company.  They talked, and laughed, and she gave the girl manicures and fixed her hair.  Mary remembered herself at that age and enjoyed the relationship.  One evening the girl said Mary seemed to be unusually happy and wondered why.

“I’m happy because in a few months we’re going to have a baby.  Then you can come up and help me take care of it.”

When the girl told her mother about it she was forbidden to visit upstairs, and Mary was told that she and Hugh would have to move because small children weren’t allowed.  Hugh was upset about this and asked the husband why they objected to a baby upstairs.  The man seemed embarrassed and apologetic.

“It’s nothing personal,” he told Hugh.  “You two are great people and we like you, but we lost a baby early in our marriage and my wife just can’t emotionally handle having a baby around.  I really am sorry, but you’ll have to find somewhere else to live.”

That took the wind out of Mary and Hugh’s anticipation of childbirth.  He went to work and found a better apartment on Berwyn Place in the Oakley section of the city.  They rented the downstairs of a house located on a cul-de-sac that featured a garage and a wooded backyard.  Hugh had recently traded in a Model A Ford he’d been driving, for a Chevrolet.  The garage would come in handy.

The owners of the house were two older ladies of German descent, Anna and Doris Stenning, who had never married.  When they found out this new couple renting their apartment were expecting a baby, they were delighted.  Mary and Hugh settled in.

The baby was due in March and as the date drew near storms began blowing dust clouds into the area from the Midwest Dust Bowl.  Mary went into labor one stormy Saturday morning when it was raining mud.  Hugh took her to Christ Hospital.  Rain falling through the dust clouds created a muddy smear on everything, including the hospital windows.  Suddenly through the air came an unmistakable cry.  Mary’s first child had just been born!  They named him Hugh.

It was customary then for a new mother to remain in the hospital for ten days after childbirth.  Mary enjoyed this special time with her tiny offspring whom they had decided to nickname “Hughie.”  When they came home Hughie was an immediate hit with the Stenning sisters.  They spoke with a noticeable accent and called him “Little Chu.”

Mary was thrilled to have built-in baby sitters.  Anna and Doris were constantly around Little Chu, making sure he was safe.  One day Mary left Hughie in the playpen out in the yard and went shopping.  While she was gone Hugh decided to take his car apart, literally.  She returned to find the entire driveway filled with auto parts.  She was flabbergasted.  Hugh said there was nothing to worry about.  He just wanted to see how it was made and could put it all back together.

In a state of shock Mary looked toward the playpen.  It was empty!  “Where’s my baby?” she yelled at Hugh.  He looked completely baffled by her reaction.

“Oh, he’s alright.  He’s inside.  The Stennings have him.”

Of course.  That explained it all.  Her anger abated and she went inside the house.  The first thing she noticed was loud banging coming from upstairs.  She dropped her shopping bags and ran up to see what was going on.

The banging was accompanied by joyful laughter coming from the bathroom down the hall.  She stopped in her tracks when she reached the door.  There was little Hughie sitting in the bathtub, banging away with a bath brush.  Anna and Doris were applauding and rolling in laughter.  Mary couldn’t help but break laughing herself.

That day became etched in her memory.  Life had surely shifted for the dairyman’s daughter who now had a husband with all the parts of his car spread over the driveway, a small child banging recklessly on the sides of a bathtub, and two old ladies nearly going berserk with laughter at the sight and sound of it all.

Elmer had told his daughter she would never have a dull day if she married Hugh Harris.  He was right!  What would happen next?

(Excerpt from “Dairyman’s Daughter” by Hugh Harris, based on “Remembering!” by Mary Ellen Townsend Harris.)

A Cozy Timelessness

Remembering the life of Mary Ellen Townsend Harris, 1911-2016

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“Missy, you’re gonna wear that swing out,” called Mary Ellen’s mother from the kitchen.  “I need you to set this table.”

“I’m coming!”

At age ten chores were an interruption in her imaginative world, but Mary Ellen dutifully slid off the porch swing and slammed the screen door as she entered the house.

Her mother turned from the stove, hands on her hips.  “Do you have to slam that door?  I’ve asked you a million times not to do that.”

“I’m sorry.  I forgot.”

Her mother shook her head.  “Well, I hope you haven’t forgotten how to set the table.”

“No, Ma’am.”  Mary got to work.

Decades earlier what was now the kitchen had been the Townsend family’s original log cabin.  It had gradually been expanded to include a dining room and parlor on the first floor, and three bedrooms upstairs.  The kitchen was arranged around a table with chairs in the center, and cupboards, a wood stove, an ice box, and a sink against the surrounding walls.  To Mary Ellen there was a cozy timelessness about this room that she liked–even though it was uncomfortably hot when the wood stove was fired up.

Mary had learned to give her mom space when her words grew abrupt or short.  Her mother’s maiden name had been Merle Kemp Smith, and she had some Irish blood in her.  She often told the children stories about her mother, Romina, who had come to America from Ireland.  Her father was a doctor, which became an important connection when Merle came down with tuberculosis.

A family friend, Dr. William Savage, was studying to become a surgeon..  He was one of several doctors who were exploring a theory about using ether to treat TB.  Merle’s case gave him the opportunity to test the theory.  He periodically administered either through a face cone, spacing treatments with rest periods.  It took a long time, but Merle recovered with only some scar tissue in her lungs.  There were no lasting effects beyond that.  She went on to give birth to her youngest boy, Bud, and learned to drive a car.  She became active in organizations like the church, Mother’s Club (a forerunner to the PTA), and the Order of the Eastern Star.  Her husband, Elmer, came to refer to her as a “joiner.”  She would live to be eighty-nine.

The TB experience spanned an entire year.  Elmer built a sleeping porch on the back of the house to isolate his wife.  She stayed there day and night, sleeping in a hooded, down-lined sleeping bag on a twin bed.  Elmer slept on the other bed to be available if she needed something during the night.  The room had screened windows on three sides, with heavy canvas blinds that were rolled down when it rained hard and during the winter months.  All of that had been a harrowing time that Mary knew she would remember clearly for the rest of her life.

 Having life centered around TB didn’t prevent Merle’s children from being normal kids.  Mary Ellen’s sister, Helen was a typical sixteen-year-old.  She had an attitude that seemed to put her in conflict with people around her, especially her mother.  To her family this was balanced by the fact that she had developed rheumatic fever at age three which resulted in having to wear a brace to walk for eight years.  Mary thought that had a lot to do with her attitudes.  Helen wasn’t around much now.  She had a boyfriend down the road and spent a lot of time there.

Mary’s twin brothers, John and Gene, were fifteen and created frequent havoc with their behavior.  They had jobs caddying for golfers at the country club where their father was a member.  Merle felt they spent too much time at the clubhouse picking up bad ideas and habits.  Mary thought that was probably right.  The two boys seemed to stay away from the house as much as possible.

Mary felt a close bond with her younger brother, Bud.  He often became her charge..  While she hated doing household chores, she never rebelled about caring for Bud.  At age three he had developed a serious illness.  It was during a time when the family enjoyed trips to a wicket dam called Fernbank on the Ohio River near Cincinnati.  It had been constructed the year Mary was born, 1911, to deepen the water channel for navigation.  Families visited the dam and children loved to drink from a public water fountain with a pedal you stepped on to make the water flow.  Mary’s parents became convinced that Bud got sick from that fountain.

The doctor disagreed.  The family had a well outside the kitchen with a bucket they used to pull water up from an underground source.  The doctor had the well tested and found it was filled with bacteria.  The well was closed and Bud recovered–Mary Ellen said–without becoming bossy like his sister, Helen.

Mary set the table as asked, then her mother sent her into the parlor where Bud was playing on the floor with a metal farm set.  She picked up a toy chicken.  “Well, well, you forgot to lock up your chickens.”

“No, I didn’t!”

He grabbed for it.

“Time to put everybody in the barn so we can eat supper.”  Mary made a game out of playfully helping Bud put away his toys, then took him to the sink and washed his hands.  Helen came in and helped her mother serve the plates, then they settled into eating.  Merle had fixed Mary’s favorite dish–vegetable beef soup.”

“Ugh!  Not this again,” said Helen in a sulking mood.

“It’s good for you and you’ll eat it, young lady!”

“I like it,” said Mary.

Helen made a face at her.

“Now, children, that’s enough of that,” said their mother.  “I think I smell a rhubarb pie in the oven.  Everybody who finishes their soup gets a piece of pie.”  She looked at Helen.  “If you don’t finish…no pie.”

That resolved the soup issue.

Mary’s dad came in after dinner was over.  She ran to him.  She loved hugging him around his legs.  He reached down and had her put her feet on his shoes, then walked her around the room.  She wished he could work there on the farm instead of at the dairy downtown.  She wanted to be with him more often.  Elmer’s job required so much time that he frequently left for work before Mary got up, and came home after she was in bed.

This particular night Mary Ellen was glad her daddy had gotten home a bit early.  When he tucked her in bed she fell asleep with pleasant thoughts to round out an adventuresome day.  For the dairyman’s daughter, life could not have felt more comfortable.  She had learned to adapt to challenges, knew when to stay in the background, and was quite adept at simply being herself.  Mary Ellen couldn’t imagine that things would ever really change.

She could never have dreamed that thirty years later she would have her own kitchen in a farmhouse in Virginia that would remind her of the cozy timelessness she felt at age ten in her mother’s kitchen!

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(An excerpt from “Dairyman’s Daughter,” by Hugh Harris, based on “Remembering!” by Mary Ellen Townsend Harris)

Cherry Tree Musings

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It was the spring of 1921 in Covedale, Ohio.  Ten-year-old Mary Ellen finished her homework, closed her books and ran out to the front porch where she jumped onto a swing suspended by chains from the ceiling.  Her feet could barely reach the floor to push the swing, but she managed.  Its screeching hinges contradicted the afternoon’s tranquility with birds singing in freshly-greened trees.  She closed her eyes as the back-and-forth motion triggered imaginative thoughts about being a grown-up living in nearby Cincinnati.

A locomotive hauling freight blew its whistle for a crossing a mile from the house.  The sound made the city seem so near.  She wondered when her daddy would be home from the Townsend-West Dairy that he managed downtown.  He brought a calm presence into the mixture of family issues that she anticipated.  With three older brothers, and an older sister, life in her world was sometimes hectic.

From inside the house the contentious voices of her mother and older sister emerged.  A squirrel darting through the yard caught her attention.  She jumped from the swing and ran into the yard, then down the sidewalk toward her grandma’s house.  One of her favorite places along the way was a dark cherry tree.  She stopped and climbed up into its branches. She felt invisible up there.  In her imagination it was like being a spy, keeping watch for dangerous activities.

“Sookie!  Sookie-sookie-sookie!”

The sound drifted up from the barn where her grandpa’s farm hand was rounding up the eight cows he still kept.  John Townsend had inherited the farm as a young man from his father, Isaac Townsend.  He was now retired and the dairy he had operated from his barn was now located in a modern downtown plant.

Milking time always reminded Mary of when she was four years old and would sneak away to the barn and climb up into the hayloft.  There she could lie on the straw floor and wiggle herself to a place where she could look down through a knothole at her grandpa doing his milking.  She always thought she would be undetected but he always heard her.  He would squirt milk at her and she’d giggle.

“Now you come down outa there, y’hear?”

“Aw, Grandpa!”

She’d come down and he’d give her a tin cup with milk straight from the cow.  It was their “secret” from her mother who didn’t allow her to drink raw milk.  She loved being with her grandpa.  Sometimes he would take the horse-drawn springboard wagon to town and come back with a bag of peppermint sticks for her.  On a couple of occasions he had even let her ride the horse while he was plowing a cornfield.  Grandpa was fun.

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There were times when he had to correct her.  Once she couldn’t find him and went into the big barn, which was off limits to her.  When he saw her coming he said to his farm hand, “Now where was it was saw that big snake in here the other day?”  She made a hasty exit.

In spite of the adventure at milking time, Mary was afraid of the cows.  They would swish their tails and sometimes she’d be in the way.  She’d even seen them kick and balk in the stall.  She tried to keep her distance.

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Mary Ellen’s reverie was broken when a cow suddenly bellowed, “Moo-oooo-oo.”  Mary decided it was time to go back to the house.  She jumped down from her tree perch and ran back to the porch where she jumped onto the squeaky swing.  Little did she know that she would vividly remember these moments nearly seventy years later when writing her memoir.

(Excerpt from “Dairyman’s Daughter,” by Hugh Harris, based on “Remembering!” by Mary Ellen Townsend Harris.)

 

 

 

An Unstained Spirit

DSCF6857Years ago my mother gave us a spray bottle containing a formula that has proven stronger than many a stubborn carpet stain.  At the time we had light grey carpeting throughout our house.  No commercial stain remover (short of steam cleaning) came close to hers in maintaining that carpet.

I have thought about that during this holiday season.  Christmas is a stain remover!  It’s a time when we can dare to lift our spirits toward the highest and best, rather than being submerged in fear and despair.

There are so many things happening every day–big things that affect communities and nations–and small things that are private, seemingly invisible.  It’s easy to become stained by fear. Faith frees; fear stifles!  The problem is, you can’t have both at the same time.

Christmas tells us that what really matters is being connected to God’s love, because it overpowers fear.  It defines us as unique and special–each one of us.  Much of life revolves around either finding this uniqueness and being empowered by it, or being stained by fear that thrives in the darkness of a stained spirit.

Recently I came across some of my old grade school records. Among them was a report card that triggered emotions I had long ago laid to rest.  I picked up my pen and began to recall the occasion–and how it felt.

A STAINED SPIRIT

Forebodingly my spirit spirit sank with each step as

I plodded ten long blocks home from school.

Duty-bound, I carried a note containing a

future-stifling proclamation:  I had failed!

Failed to measure up.

Failed to earn my way to grade three.

Feet dragging.

Spirit sagging.

It wasn’t fair, I told myself.  It wasn’t right.

All because we’d moved to Clifton’s gas-light

heights.  If only I could have stayed with

the simplicity of the Blue Ash country school.

Now that was gone.

What kind of place was this?

What kind of people these?

What would become of me?

In a world too big for me to comprehend,

a war had just ended.

In my inner world, one had just begun.

What could the future hold for one

so tainted?  My fears were stoked by the

teacher’s note.  “I do wonder,” she wrote,

“whatever will become of Hugh?”

It took years for me to live past that soul-staining sense of failure and unworthiness.  Only God could remove that, and he did!

We all go through soul-staining experiences.  It goes with the territory of human life.  Yet like my mother’s stain remover applied to carpets, God’s love applied to life can lift us out from the most stubborn stains.  It can set us free to try it again, and just maybe, we’ll succeed this time.

God love you, and if you let him, he will give you an unstained spirit.  Trust him!